Conversation
by xeyes
Summary: Trip has a conversation that can't wait any longer. This takes place shortly after Similitude, and explores one of my favorite what ifs about this episode, which provides so many. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The toys are Paramount's...I'm just taking them out to play with for a little. No infringement intended, no money made.

Spoilers: Similitude, Cogenitor, Breaking the Ice

* * *

It was late evening on Enterprise, and the ship's rhythms had slowed as usual for this time of day. The low thrum of the engines at impulse was the only sound, as warp engines were offline for repairs. 

Trip sat at his terminal in his quarters, reviewing two weeks' worth of backed-up engineering status reports. He had his feet up on the desk, and was comfortably attired in Starfleet-issue sweatpants and his favorite T-shirt; some thoughtful soul had done his laundry for him while he'd been away. A half-eaten plate of chicken tetrazzini with potatoes au gratin sat in his lap, a fork twirled between his fingers, and a big mug of black Java quietly flouted Phlox's orders against caffeine within easy reach of his right hand.

Trip put another forkful of his dinner into his mouth. Cheesy starchy goodness, he thought. Guaranteed to fix whatever ails you, never fails. Chef had made it just for him. Thank goodness someone on board realized he actually liked other food than catfish and pecan pie. Well, Jon knew, of course, but Chef had a way with comfort food...and somehow, he'd known just what Trip needed.

He turned back to the report he was reading. Sheesh, he thought, a guy's gone for two weeks and all of this happens...it's gonna take me another few days just to get up to speed on what's been going on.

He rubbed the back of his head absentmindedly. Phlox had released him two days ago, and insisted that he stay completely off duty for at least another week while he rested and underwent more tests. No "light duty", no sitting in his office and ordering his staff around, nothing. Just rest.

Hess had stopped by Sickbay to bring Trip some clothes when he was released. She told her boss that the Captain had assembled all of the Engineering staff and personally told them that if Commander Tucker did so much as poke his head in the door, they were to comm him immediately and do whatever it took to keep Trip out of Engineering. Including calling Security, if necessary.

By now, everybody would have heard about that. Great, he thought. The whole ship was conspiring against him to keep him from doing any work.

Not that they needed to.

Normally, no force short of the cocktail of sedatives the crew called "Phlox's good stuff" could have kept him away from reading his reports when confined to quarters. But he found it hard to concentrate with this annoying tickle in the back of his head that kept coming and going. He tried to ignore it, but it kept coming back. Like it wanted something.

Yep, that one. Again. Speak of the devil...

_Up late. Again._

Yeah. Got a lot to catch up on.

_Sorry I can't be more help. I didn't have much time down there. Missed a lot of what was going on._

It's not like I was there either.

_True. But that's not your fault._

Well, it is, actually.

_You didn't know..._

Still...

(Trip sighed. He put his plate back on this desk, downed a slug of coffee, and closed his eyes.)

We need to talk.

_Yeah, sure looks like it._

_

* * *

_

Days before, he had stood, dazed and numb, at the funeral of a person who he'd never met, but who he knew well. Better than he  
would have wanted to, probably.

Or did he? That was his face, his uniform, his flesh in that torpedo casing, but not him...not him, as far from being him as he could imagine. Because he was here, alive, standing, mind wandering, and that person was dead and gray and cold, about to be shot into space like some sack of useless refuse.

Trip stopped his musings, startled by the thought. Whoa, where did that come from?

It was true, though.

The last thing he remembered...was opening the access hatch on top of the main reactor to shut it down before it blew Enterprise to smithereens. So, when he woke up in Sickbay, the first thing he wanted to know was the status of the reactor. When the doctor wouldn't answer his questions, he knew something more had happened.

Phlox had gently explained to him that he'd been in an accident. He'd been hurt pretty bad. Trip asked him how long he'd been out. Two weeks. So long...what had happened that he was out for two weeks, but was now back? What would have taken that long to heal? What was going on...

Then, Trip had seen something in Phlox's eyes that he didn't like. Not at all.

"There's something else you should know," Phlox said, and then he told him. Just the basic facts. That was all he thought Trip could handle at the time, but he promised to answer all of his questions later once he was stronger.

Afterwards, Trip asked to see the body. Phlox brought him a chair, and he wrapped himself in his blanket and sat and looked for a long time.

He was surprised at how hard he'd had to fight Jon about the uniform. Phlox understood, but Jon had wanted the gray jumpsuit. That was what he had worn before, it seemed, and so that was what he should wear now. Trip had argued so violently with him that Phlox had bundled the Captain out of Sickbay, confined him to his biobed, and forbidden him any more visitors until further notice.

But here he was, and there was the uniform, as Trip had insisted upon. After all, he'd earned it. Phlox and Jon had told him enough about what had happened in the particle field for him to know that. Whatever he was, whoever he had been, he'd earned it. He deserved to wear it. It had been Trip's, now it was his. Literally. Trip's best everyday uniform. Nothing less would have been right.

He had served a purpose. Grown, used, done, and eventually would be forgotten by everyone. But not by him. He knew what was owed to…whoever this man was. He knew that he'd never forget looking his own mortality in the face, literally, and he'd always remember now, this moment when his fear of death fled, never to return.

After all, said his pained mind, if he'd already died, and almost died, what did he have to lose? No, it wasn't him, really, but...

The anger and fury and simmering, acidic bile of his first months in the Expanse had been replaced by a dullness. He felt spent. Even though he had been sleeping better before the accident, thanks to T'Pol's neuropressure, he'd still been running himself ragged, the nightmares coming every few days rather than every night. The effort of trying to appear normal to everyone else was almost as draining as the lack of sleep. In his exhaustion, he'd been able to turn a blind eye to that slow erosion of his spirit until he woke up after two weeks of coma, physically rested and as clear-headed as he'd been since they'd left Earth.

And he looked inside, and found that he was empty. The void gazed back at him, cold and steady. He had a few moments of irrational panic before he was medicated into a numbed emptiness.

That emptiness stared at the reality in the makeshift coffin, and felt as though he could change places with it without anyone being the wiser.

He pulled himself out of his reverie, and glanced at the faces around him. They all held similar expressions. Sadness? Anger? What had they felt for this man, and what would they have to say to the person for whom he had to die? What place had he occupied in their lives? His? Or his own? Would they miss him?

Trip looked up at the captain, and averted his eyes hurriedly. Archer was unreadable, but not because of any lack of emotion. The pain written on his face was clear to anyone, but only he knew its causes. It was a look that Trip had never seen before. He couldn't handle it, not now. He turned back to the coffin.

My face...but not mine. No scars, fewer lines. It's like I was one of those boys in the bubble from way back when. No signs of the passage of time, of life leaving its mark, of hardships and grief, of joy.

He stopped. It hurt too much to think about that. Later. And the back of his head was...killing him.

Woozy from painkillers and who-knows-what from Phlox, he thought that he saw the eyes open. They stared straight at him. Their blue met his blue, and locked together, and were as one. They saw through him, and he saw nothing in them. He squinted to look more closely.

Then they placed the lid on the coffin (gray, like that damn jumpsuit, everything was gray), and shot him out into space.

That was the first time he felt the tickle in the back of his head. And now, days later, it was time to get some things sorted out.


	2. Chapter 2

_You know who I am. No introductions necessary._

And you know who I am. That saves time, I guess.

_Heh. Time is of the essence. So they say. At least, it used to be for me._

Not now. Not any more. We've got the rest of my life. But we need to sort things out now. Learn to live together.

_No. You're the one who gets to live. I'm along for the ride._

Whether I like it or not. I'm not sure if I do. You know how I feel about that.

_Nobody knows better. And vice versa._

What do we have to discuss? You can see into my head, and I can see into yours. It's all open. Everything.

_So to speak. But there's still a lot that needs to be said. There's a lot that we have to work out._

I suppose there would be no point in apologizing to you.

_For what?_

Getting us into this damn mess in the first place.

_As much as I'd like to think that you should apologize, I don't. I'd have done the same thing. You couldn't have known that that polaric field would hit us like a ton of bricks._

Still...it was too damn risky. Should have made sure we did the test in clear space.

_Yeah. More fool you for not thinking of every little thing that could have gone wrong._

Heh. Right. That makes two fools in one head.

_Now, that part **is** your fault._

Which? The fools or the overcrowding?

_The fools. You made me what I was._

Wish I could've given you a better starting point.

_I managed. My preparation for this was absolute crap, but I picked it up from you as I went._

Glad I could help.

_Me too. 'S okay. Not like you'd ever expected this to happen._

I'm sorry.

_For which part now? Not the accident._

For...for making you give up so much.

_It wasn't your decision._

No, but I was the cause.

_So much of what, anyway? None of it was mine. Not really._

Some of it was. Playing with Porthos, learning to read with Hoshi, flying Jon's plane. That was all yours. I hadn't done any of that, except the playing with Porthos part.

_Me, as you. A stand-in, a place-keeper. An echo of the real thing. Just for a little while._

You made that life, those things, so they were yours. It's not as if they should have been mine. I wasn't there. Wish I could have been.

_All yours now. Yours and mine. Oh, and don't forget the really fun parts. Jon pulling back the curtain in Sickbay, and suddenly everything showing itself to me clear as day. Arguing with him, saying anything I could think of, trying to convince him that keeping me was better than keeping you. Losing the battle with Phlox. Everybody walking on eggshells around me. Not knowing what was mine and what was yours. You know the rest._

Heh. You're bitter, then.

_Yeah. And a little dazed from it all, I guess._

Can't say that I blame you.

_The worst part of it..._

Go ahead.

_The worst part of it was after the Captain explained to me what that orange stuff was sticking to the ship. You never got to see that, did you?_

No, never. It was completely gone by the time I woke up. I saw the pictures in the logs though.

_It was dark and dismal, like a thunderstorm. Every time I looked out a window, there was more and more of it, and the more there was, the closer I was to death. It was like being slowly walled up in your own tomb alive, brick by brick. Orange death coming at me, at all of us, no matter where I looked. Heh…very Poe. And after the ship was free, after Phlox and the Captain turned me down, I still knew that no matter what, I wouldn't make it out alive. Yeah. That was the most fun._

Yeah.

_I thought I was OK up until the end. Turns out I wasn't. But I'll get over it. Time will help. We Tuckers always bounce back, right?_

Your memories hurt like hell sometimes. Hope that makes you feel a little better.

_Somewhat. Ultimately, it's not in my interests to put you through my hell, but my excuse for now is that you really deserve to know what happened. And, since you have to share yours with me now, I figure I should return the favor. That's real._

Thanks. I mean it.

_I know. Watch out, though._

For what?

_Jon and Phlox._

What? What now?

_No. Not like that. The ones in my memories. They were doing what they thought was right. I knew that, but I couldn't really understand it enough to make sense of things at the time. I really hated them sometimes, but I'm not sure if I should have. I'm still working on that one. You have to do your best to keep that in mind._

Damn good of you to be able to see it that way. I don't know if I could.

_I do. For the obvious reasons._

Yeah. I guess you would.

_You should have seen them. Phlox was a great dad. I guess he's had a lot of practice._

Three kids, I think.

_Yep. He treated me like one of his own. I loved him for that. You'll like those memories._

What about Jon?

_...He was the Captain to me. Even up to the end, because by the time I started remembering that you and he were friends, I knew that it could never be that way for him and me. You're not going to like those memories as much._

I think I know why, but tell me anyway.

_Even when I was little, I knew that something was wrong. I could tell it from the look in his eyes, the way he looked at me as if he was seeing a ghost. After he told me what was going on, he dealt with me straight. That was hard. See, I felt like you, like he had been my big brother for over ten years, and here he was telling me that he would kill me to save a guy whose life I'd taken, whose desk I'd messed with...who was much more able to save the world than I'd ever be._

Ah.

_Yeah._

That explains the uniform.

_What do you mean?_

I know what you know, remember? He saw you…

_He saw me as a thing. I guess he had to. I existed to save you, and nothing else. He wouldn't have to be a murderer. He wasn't._

And so, the plain gray jumpsuit.

_I couldn't be you._

No. You were you, not me. I had to win that fight to give you that.

_Thank you._

Was it right?

_Huh?_

...What they did to you.

_Heh. Well, I don't see you complaining._

Damn you. That's not what I meant.

_I know. Sorry. I can't make that call. Neither of us can._

You lost too much.

_You lost, too._

Just a few days. Almost my life. You went the whole hog.

_I don't really know what I lost. Maybe just those little bits, a few days. The rest was all yours. Only after could I figure out what's me and what's you. And it's mostly you._

Clear as mud, then.

_Yeah._

Well, now you know. And like it or not, the rest of my life, we're sharing it all.

_Being there. The next best thing to being there._

You're a smartass, by the way.

_Yeah. Something else to watch out for. But that's your fault, too._

We don't know if you would have been able to live a normal life anyway. Phlox doesn't think so, but nobody's really sure if it would have worked.

_Yeah. I argued so hard for that. I wanted to live so much. But that's done now._

Do I have to tell you how sorry I am again?

_I don't think so, since I'm not going to let you take the blame in the first place._

I'd like to resolve that. We can't go on like this.

_That's fair. Me too. I think I know you well enough to know you wouldn't have wanted this._

You're right. And whether I would have is moot now anyway.

_So, don't think I blame you. That wouldn't be logical._

You sound like T'Pol.

_Damn Vulcans. Intruding on conversations that have nothing to do with them._

That seems to happen a lot.

_Like we should talk. You know what I'm talking about. The first time you gave her pecan pie..._

I remember. I'm glad she stayed.

_Me too. She was the only one who treated me like...me, not like you or like a thing._

So, are we OK?

_Yeah, we're good._

Can we shake on that?

_Heh. Sounds good to me. If you shake your own hand I'm gonna smack you._

Uh...can you actually do that?

_Well, no...the worst I can do is give you one helluva headache._

OK. I'll behave.

_Me too._


	3. Chapter 3

That reminds me...what the HELL were you thinking?

_About what?_

You know...T'Pol.

_Oh. That._

Yeah. THAT.

_She was the only person I could talk to about things. I trusted her. That's your fault too._

Okay, okay. Can we drop that part of it?

_Sorry. That wasn't very fair._

But yeah, I know what you mean. What I didn't know was...

_What I told her. That was mostly you, as far as I can tell. So, I guess it's your problem now._

Yours and mine. You just couldn't keep a lid on it.

_No, I couldn't. It's not like you were ever going to say anything._

Well, I didn't know until you told me.

_You knew, or I wouldn't have known. Just couldn't admit it to yourself, you big dumb lug._

Hey, you know my track record with relationships. And you didn't do any better, wiseass. Having feelings for a Vulcan...talk about pointless.

_Heh. Very funny._

What? Oh. Whatever.

_Smartass._

I don't care how much she's loosened up, or how nice Malcolm thinks her butt is, I need to have my head examined.

_Hah! Even more now. No, wait. Maybe that wouldn't be a good idea._

You're right. Not unless I want to spend the rest of my life as an IME lab rat.

_Ugh. Believe me, you don't want them opening up your head again._

So, what am I supposed to do about all of that?

_Don't ask me. They're your feelings._

But you seem to know more about them than I do.

_In a way, yes._

You kissed her, you bastard.

_Actually, she kissed me. It was very nice. She's a good kisser. Wouldn't have expected that._

Out here, you learn something new every day.

_No kidding. Seemed like I was learning something from you every minute._

And then some.

_For what it's worth, I think she understood._

She amazes me that way.

_Me too._

I can't ever let her know about you. Now.

_Yeah. You're going to keep things under wraps, then?_

Yep. All of it. You know.

_Too bad. She is pretty hot._

Now I wish I could smack you.

_You can, actually. But I'll shut up about her for now._

Thanks. Makes things a lot easier.

_You've got enough on your hands without that on your mind._

Yep. Oh, another thing.

_What's that?_

Your idea to tow Enterprise out of that mess...man, that was just brilliant.

_Thanks. The credit is largely yours._

Of course it is.

_Very funny. Smug asshole._

Remember, anything you say about me, you're saying about yourself.

_Ouch. True._

But thanks. And, since I couldn't be there, I'm glad you were. You're damn good.

_Next best thing to you. Unfortunately, that was all I could be._

I don't know what to say.

_I don't think there's anything to say. Facts are facts. Enterprise needs you, not me. You can't argue with facts. I was created to give you back your life._

Which you did. And now you're gone. Except for this.

_Not everybody gets the chance to know his or her purpose in life, and to live it. I'm lucky that way. I can look back on a job well done._

Absolutely.

_Although, to be honest, all that was really required of me was to grow up and stay healthy._

And to give it all up for somebody you never really met.

_Yeah. That part was the worst._

Thanks. You know I mean that. Inadequate as it sounds.

_Don't mention it. Was glad to do it. I was eventually, anyway._

Took a while, if you remember right.

_Yeah. It did._

When did it all hit you?

_Why do you have to ask? You can see now._

Tell me about it. Please.

_...Not until just before, when I saw that surgical bed in Sickbay, with Phlox there in his grays and the Captain with that look on his face. I knew that I was going to lie down on that bed and never get up again. I hated you at that moment. It surprised me. I hadn't up till then._

Doesn't surprise me at all.

_Well, you weren't there...not yet._

But you did it anyway.

_I walked over and pulled back that curtain, and I knew what I had to do. That surprised me, too. And that was that. It was what I was meant to do._

And you did, and I...

_You can thank Lizzie for your life, you know._

...I know.

_Do your best for her. You were going to anyway, I know. But now I'm here to remind you of that._

Like I need reminding.

_Yeah. Neither of us does._

It's true, what you said.

_Which part?_

That I owe you one.

_Damn right._

Are you going to tell me what I can do about that?

_I'm not sure, actually. Can you think of anything?_

Well...no, not really.

_That's OK. We've got time. Now we do, anyway._

All the time in my world.

_Yep. It's your world now. I'm just along for the ride, remember?_

Yeah. Not like I'm going to forget that easily.

_Hey. You know what, Trip Tucker?_

What's that?

_You take too many damn risks. Get yourself into too much trouble. Just jump headlong into the middle of things. Look where that's gotten us. Pregnant, kidnapped, frozen, fried, and now cohabiting._

Can't disagree there. Not after the cogenitor.

_Damn. That hurt. Still does._

...Yeah. Always will. As it should.

_You torture yourself over these things._

I have to make sure I don't screw up again.

_So you brood. That's not healthy._

Neither is screwing up. If I'm that important to the ship that they had to make you and kill you for me, I can't go around pulling stupid crap stunts that could get everybody here killed.

_You're as bad as Malcolm about this stuff._

You can't tell me I'm wrong.

_You're right. I can't._

So I have to keep these things in mind.

_Tell you what. I've got more time on my hands these days than I know what to do with. I'm going to make it my business to jump in when you get one of your damn fool ideas that's going to get us both killed again and tell you where to stuff it._

You know what? Malcolm would laugh his ass off if he could hear you. He'd say that it's about time that somebody else did. That he can't handle keeping me out of trouble all by himself.

_He's right. You've always been a handful._

You too.

_Hey, that's not fair. I was on my best behavior growing up. Just ask Phlox._

And you still broke the Cap'n's plane. It's who we are. I'd know.

_Point taken. But now we both have to watch out for ourselves. Remember talking to Phlox and the Captain?_

Now I do…

_It's a little different now. You can't change what happened to me, but you can change what's going to happen to us._

We can. And we will.


	4. Chapter 4

_Speaking of the Cap'n..._

What?

_You and he really need to talk._

Yeah...I know.

_No, I'm serious. You've never really patched things up since the cogenitor, and it shows. He needs you. He told me so..._

He needs an engineer who knows Enterprise.

_No, moron, he needs YOU. Trip. Chief Engineer Charles Tucker the Third, too, but Trip more than that. I should know. He spat it in my face when I was trying to convince him otherwise. You know, that's the closest I ever got to you...wiping his words about you off my face after he was done yelling at me._

I know.

_That's the other reason I'm glad I'm sharing my memories with you. You need to fix this NOW._

So much has happened...

_And one of these days, if we survive all of this, that needs to be water under the bridge. Hell, it needs to be now. You need to be there for each other. Maybe talking with T'Pol is helping you, but there's nobody who can help him._

She can. He can talk to her.

_You know what I mean. It's not the same. Nobody's ever borne his burden before, and unless we get through this nobody ever will again. I don't want to say that he can't do this alone, but you have to be there for him._

I haven't.

_No. You've been dealing with Lizzie. That's OK._

I've been too wrapped up in myself to...

_And there's that torture thing again. Look, everybody understands that. Nobody blames you. But that isn't enough to keep things from slowly eroding. You don't want to come out of this and find that you've lost more than you realized. Trust me, it isn't a good feeling._

You'd know.

_Yes. I would. And you will soon._

I know. It's already started.

_Then you have to stop it now._

...How?

_Just grab a couple of bottles of beer and sit him down with a game, like the old times. No, it won't be the same. But it will be good. You can make it good. He doesn't know how much he needs that. I do. You do. You've missed it too. He can help you live again._

Yes. But...

_But what?_

You know beer isn't enough.

_Heh. You're right. Something stronger. Got anything?_

I'll find something. Maybe he's got another bottle of bourbon in the other shuttlepod?

_Maybe. So just do it._

Charles...

_Is in the past now. You've learned from that. And so has he._

He was very disappointed in me. That's why he was so angry.

_That's part of it. You know, I have this gut feeling that he was even more disappointed in himself for setting a bad example. He blames himself for that._

But it wasn't his fault. He didn't do anything. I was the one who screwed up, not him.

_Don't be so sure of that. I think he also wishes he hadn't had to be so hard on you. You know how it hurts to have to discipline somebody under your command that you like._

Yeah. You're right. It's wrenching sometimes...

_And you're his best friend. Still._

Am I?

_For now, anyway. So go have a beer or whatever with him. You don't have to talk about things. Not yet. Just be._

Soon.

_VERY soon. Or I'll kick your brain._

Is that part of that doing-what's-best-for-me thing?

_Yep. Gotta have something to do._

Anything else I need to do?

_Talk to Malcolm. Poor guy. He was very confused by me, I think. He really seemed to want me to be you. You need to let him know that you're back. He needs you too._

I'll do that.

_Thanks. I think I owe him that._

I just remembered...

_What?_

...Key lime? **Key lime**? Are you sure you're who you say you are?

_Nature vs. nurture. Guess we know which side that lies on._

You're weird. What else?

_What, do you think I've got a list in here?_

If you're me, that's very possible.

_Damn. Busted._

Hah. What else?

_Just...remember what you love._

I'm not going there, remember?

_No, not that. You know._

How could I ever forget?

_She'll set you right. Don't worry. You're going to be fine once you get back down to Engineering and get your hands on those engines again. Just being there helped me through._

What about you? Anything else you're planning on doing?

_Nah. I really can't make plans any more. What's the point?_

You'll help me with mine?

_You won't be able to stop me. I have a vested interest. Don't want to end up on that biobed again anytime soon._

I know. Good.

_I'll try not to be too distracting. But I'm here if you need me._

That means a lot. I will, you know.

_I know._

So, when I hear you back there...

_That'll be me doing my best to keep your sorry butt from doing something stupid._

My own built-in alarm system.

_Sheesh. What a comedown. Yeah, I guess so._

OK. I can live with that.

_Me too. Are we done, then?_

For now.

_You know where to find me._

Same here.

* * *

Trip opened his eyes, shut down his terminal, got into bed, and slept deeply. 


End file.
